All of us sometimes get so angry or frustrated or anxious or otherwise emotionally out of whack that we can’t seem to focus on anything else. Here is a relatively quick way to deal with such situations.  It’s called FEMA, appropriately enough, like the Federal Emergency Management Administration.

FEMA is an acronym for the process:

            F = Feel it

            E = Embrace it

            M = give it positive Meaning

            A = Act

Expanding that a little:

F= Feel it – Identify your feelings….all your feelings!… at least 7. 

• fearful, angry, anxious. exhausted
• sad, alone, misunderstood, abandoned
• embarrassed, shameful,
• inadequate, inept, slow, incompetent
  • betrayed, conned, stupid
  • jealous, resentful, pitiful
  • apathetic, disinterested, resigned, bored
  • unappreciated, dishonored, unheard, defensive

E= Embrace it, appreciate the feelings… why it is good that you feel them? Here are some of the positive things feelings do:           

• give us motivation
• facilitate our decision making (e.g. this is the last straw!)
• provide direction or help us get clear on what we need to do
• give insight or understanding
• make life more interesting

M= Give it positive meaning – a plausible positive way of looking at it                  

• look for a possible alternative interpretation
• find the opportunity in the problem
• be empathetic. It’s not about me. 
• figure out how else somebody could interpret what is going on
• Counter all negative thoughts with positive thoughts

A = Act

• get a plan
• get a next step
• deliberately let go of the negative feelings
• find a way to be a positive force for good                                  

Classic case: somebody criticizes you (or what you’ve done or said), publicly, in a big meeting.  You are understandably irritated but realize it will only make things worse to whine about it or confront them then and there.  Still, it continues to bother you which only makes you more frustrated and angry.  You know you shouldn’t let this get to you, but can’t seem to get it out of your mind.

Here is how FEMA might help.

Feel it – identify all of what you are feeling.

1. Frustrated and powerless at not being able to defend yourself
2. Angry that you let this get to you
3. Embarrassed that others now think you are incompetent or careless or malicious
4. Afraid that it will reflect on you in the future
5. Jealous that they can say this kind of thing when, for whatever reason, you can’t.
6. Depressed that you were misunderstood
7. Incompetent for not seeing this coming and handling it earlier

Embrace it

• At least you now know how this might be interpreted, however wrongly
• You now have insight into what he might do, given his interpretation of things
• If you weren’t going to do something about this before, you sure are now,
• You can see what needs to be done more clearly

Give it positive meaning

• He probably didn’t realize how it would reflect on you or bother you
• He was trying to be helpful (however unskillfully)
• He is young and inexperienced…. just trying to look good
• Everybody probably knew he was out of line and you looked good by taking it in stride
• Nobody else even noticed, they were probably hung up in their own stuff
• It did give an issue you care about airtime… it got on the agenda at least
• There is now an opportunity to address a larger issue since he has raised a piece of it, and you can lead the charge

Act

• Talk to him or somebody about him in a helpful, supportive way, realizing that he wasn’t being deliberately hurtful but didn’t understand or appreciate part of the reality.
• Vow to talk with people (him?) about ideas or actions that may come up in a meeting before the meeting so they have the context and can raise issues or negative interpretations with you, alone, rather than in front of the whole world.
• Get a plan and move on the issue in a useful, positive way
• Develop a strategy for learning more about what is going on behind the scenes so you don’t get blind-sided like this again. 

Needless to say, you can’t go through this whole thing every time something bothers you.  But it IS worth the candle when the situation is important or highly visible or dangerous….or, as with a spouse or a child, when it can have a long term impact on a relationship or be potentially hurtful to others. At the very least, it may give you the time to let the stress hormones drain away so you can get to sleep or focus on something else.